This question is asked in response to the first Guideline: Guidelines for Sexual Retraining (pg. 146 Restoring the Pleasure 2016)) and the Guidelines for Sexual Therapy (pg. 134 Counseling for Sexual Disorders, 2025).

We have learned from our clinical observations and others’ sex and the brain research that sexual patterns are easily conditioned and self-perpetuating. When the couple is going through the sexual retraining/sexual therapy protocol to learn new ways of relating sexually due to lack of mutual sexual satisfaction or a specific sexual dysfunction, new patterns need to be established, and previous ways of functioning sexually need to be eliminated. Thus, the progression of the sexual retraining/therapy protocol is designed for those purposes. To jump ahead or to continue old sexual activities interrupts establishing the desired patterns/couple goals.

Examples:

• Learning to delay ejaculation, won’t be effective if the man continues to ejaculate before that is assigned in the process.
• If a couple with an unconsummated marriage, keeps attempting entry rather than following the guided steps, their success will be interrupted.
• If a couple with differing desires, keeps pursuing sexual release for the one with the higher desire, their pattern will be perpetuated. This is particularly true for the pattern we have labeled as the Insecure Sexually Needy Male (ISNM), who needs female affirmation and looks for it through sex with his wife. Less frequently, we have also found the woman has this pattern. One of the goals of the therapy is to separate the need for affirmation from sex so that sex becomes a mutually satisfying sexual experience of enjoying each other freely without subtle or direct pressure.
• If a woman has difficulty letting go/being orgasmic, following the protocol as prescribed to help her learn to enjoy her body sexually without pressure to orgasm.
• If a man struggles with ED, keeping with the protocol will help his body learn to allow erections to come and go without pressure to maintain them for entry. If he tries to enter before assigned, even if successful that time, he typically resumes the pressure to get and keep erections in order to have entry or to ejaculate; ejaculating without a full erection, will train his brain-body to continue what has been referred to as “the lazy penis” syndrome.

For help with specific situations, feel free to email us at penners@passionatecommitment.com or call our home office between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. Pacific Time – 626.793.5241